"I am not a nut!"



     I like to consider myself a somewhat clear-thinking, fairly grounded, decent chap. Heck, I even contribute, once a year, some loose change to the Salvation Army kettle.  I am gainfully employed and usually pay my bills on time, and generally try to do the 'right thing' during my time whilst on this mortal coil.

     As of late, however, I have been doing a bit of soul-searching, and have been re-evaluating certain "obsessions" that have been dominating my life for many years. Perhaps obsession is the wrong word: perhaps "passion" (not in the Jesus sense) is more appropriate.

                                                           "GET TO THE POINT!"

     Did I just hear someone scream that, or was I just trying to be my old witty self? Hmm...

                                                              The reason for this is:


     Okay. Since I was a wee lad, I have had a relationship with something that may or may not (and probably does not) exist.  I have never seen this thing, know of any tangible evidence of it, and will probably never visit the place where this thing is reputed to exist. My bag, my hang-up, my 'thing':

                                                       "THE LOCH NESS MONSTER"!

     As Fred Sanford might say, "are you crazy?". Well, yes and no. Do I really believe some prehistoric beast or some weird anomaly of nature is dwelling in a large (900 feet deep in some spots, and nearly impossible see anything underwater because the water is the color of Lipton tea) body of water? Not really. Do I believe the eye-witness accounts of the folks who have claimed to have seen this thing, in the water, as well as on land? Well, let's just say they make for fun and intriguing tales, but in all reality, the eyewitnesses are either full of dung, or they are mistaking the LNM (what insiders call it) for other creatures on God's green earth, such as swans, fish, eels, etc, swimming in the loch.

     That being said, as 'they' say, I still have found it to be a fun little hobby over the years. Also somewhat costly. I have a large collection of LNM books that I have amassed over the years. Most of them were published during the 1970's, which seemed to have been when interest in the LNM was at it's peak. "Ladies and Gentlemen, my Collection!"

 
                                                         
                 The collection is still growing, as every few years, someone trots the subject matter out back to the forefront, sometimes spewing the same information that we have all known and loved for years, sometimes, (rarely) putting a fresh spin on it. Either way, if it's a fairly decent book, I will usually purchase it, because I am also a borderline hoarder.

                                                             
                                                                   Hi, Hi, Hi !

            Ain't she cute? Our Nessie. "Nessie" is her little nickname. Probably to put an innocent spin on a beast that is capable of ripping a man to shreds, dare he swim the dark waters of Loch Ness.
Probably the first recorded account of a creature in Loch Ness responsible for the death of a human being occurred in roughly 563 AD (contact my attorney if my information is inaccurate) according to Saint Columba (look him up).  Is the loch a safe place to swim? I cannot say, but there is an old saying that says "The Loch never gives up its dead". Scary, right? Apparently, Loch Ness, by some accounts, can be a creepy place to be. Judging by the photos I've seen of the tourists hanging around the iconic Urquhart castle, I tend to agree.

                                                      Photographic evidence?

     There is certainly no dearth of photos of the alleged "monster". Unfortunately, most of them are grainy, out of focus affairs, captured on cameras produced in the 1800's. Even in this age of "social media", wherein seemingly everyone has a 'smart phone' with a camera, the few photos that have been taken of the LNM, are still of the grainy, out of focus variety. Therein lies the other part of LMN lore, "THE HOAXER".

         In my mind, the lengths and efforts some folks have put forth to concoct a photo of the LMN are as just as intriguing as the 'sightings' by the eyewitnesses. From the famous "surgeon's photo" to the fake 'hump' of 2015, the fun never seems to end!

                                                        Will it ever end?

      In this day and age of digital information and almost instant "breaking news", one would think that an old and hoary tale of a mythical beast swimming in a lake would be obsolete, but the LMN legend endures via the web through various blogs (no plugs here) and other digital rubbish.  UFO's, Bigfoot, LMN, Dogmen, Mothmen, etc, as well as late-night paranormal radio broadcasts  and podcasts are abundant, so apparently, there is an interest in the weird and bizarre.  As George Taylor once said:     I'm a seeker too. But my dreams aren't like yours. I can't help thinking that somewhere in the universe there has to be something better than man. Has to be.

     
    




                                      

This is fun?

and on a more sombre (somber) note, he noted... for a lark, we visited the "Spirit Halloween" store today. I'm not going to explain what "Spirit Halloween" is, because I don't feel like it, and besides, chances are that no one is even reading this. if some poor soul is reading this shit, and doesn't know what "Spirit Halloween" is, well then, look it up!

the store sells costumes and props for the big night that occurs every 10-31-name the year. no big deal. there are other stores that deal in the same drek. the thing that struck me about our visit, was that halloween seems to be synonymous with death, gore, and all things disgusting and bloody. at this point I must send out a caveat: I am a big horror film fan, and certainly not a prude. while not a fan of the "torture porn" genre ie the "Saw" movie franchise, I do respect a bit of blood and guts in a film (the cheesier the special effect the better), and have seen my share of intestines being munched on (on film) and decapitations, etc, etc.

dear reader, what struck me about the products for sale in this particular store, was that most of the props involved dismembered limbs, heinous weapons, mutant zombie babies, and the like. all of which got me to thinking: is this the new fun? a severed head with fake maggots writhing on its face?

in the end, however, I also think: is any of this really shocking? or scary, for that matter? to my old-fashioned mind, one could obtain a more effective scare by not having everything on display, and leaving something to (if that exists) the imagination. sometimes, a dark room can be a scary place, under the right circumstances, all without the help of some piece 'o crap zombie baby prop.

that being said; the next time you are alone, and in the dark, and hear a scream...

Radio is a sound salvation (?) or "We want the airwaves"

I don't know much about the history of FM radio, except that for it's inception in the late 60's and early 70's, it was supposedly a bastion of free-form wackiness that was a relief from the mundane format of AM radio dreck. This view of FM was perpetuated over the decades by "Rock Critics" (remember them?) and so-called "hip" D.J. 's, until it  became generally accepted that FM music stations, especially the "Rock" stations, were far superior to anything an AM station had to offer.

As a sidebar, I would like to note, that in my personal opinion, music sounds much more pure when listened to on an AM station. I recently heard the song "Jumpin Jack Flash" under optimal conditions on an AM station, and could detect small subtle nuances I had never picked up on before. Whether or not the mix of the song played on this particular station was mono or stereo, is open to debate, and the whole "mono vs. stereo" struggle is another issue for another time.

                                              "OK, so what is he going on about?"


Indeed, but in this case, perhaps "what" is not the appropriate word, but  "WHY"?

Why do terrestrial FM "rock" stations still exist? I mean, who in their right mind still listens to this shite? "Classic Rock" stations, if any still exist, are a joke: pounding the same tired songs into the ground, and then regarding more modern (ie, the 80's) crap as "new classics".  Have you heard the news? There's good rockin' tonight, featuring "Bon Jovi", Billy Idol, and the same Aerosmith song we played yesterday! Apparently, according to radio "consultants", people feel safer when on familar listening ground.

                                                           Whatever happened to...?


Ever hear of a guy called Elvis Presley? How about Chuck Berry? Buddy Holly?  The decade that was the 50's has all but vanished from any form of FM music stations. The so-called "oldies" stations have apparently deemed that era of rock and roll not suitable for today's music listener. And don't look now, the 60's just made the chopping block, unless it's to play a "Light my fire" for the zillionth time.

                                                            Back Catalogue?


The Beatles and The Rolling Stones are generally regarded to have a few decent songs in their repertoires. So why on bloody earth do these facacta stations keep the same songs in their playlists? Hey, I like "Start me up" as much as the next guy, but how about something a bit more obscure, like for instance, "Satisfaction"?

                                                         It sounds different

Subtle censorship abounds! Remember the song by The Who (no jokes, please) "Who are you?". For years, that sucker was a radio staple, and it contained a naughty word. Yes, the "F" word. Right around 2001, as far as I can figure, it was edited out, and in fact until recently, the entire third verse of the song was omitted. Call Ripley's on that one. Another radio standby, "Mama Kin" , by Arrowsmith, used to contain another naughty word that rhymes with "hit". Gone, gone, gone, as if by magic, and a bad edit to boot.

                                                 I suppose I should wrap this up


Dear friends, I am merely scratching the surface as to my disdain at the state of modern FM radio. I could say a million things about talk radio, but my driver is double parked and the girls are waiting for me at the club. Stay tuned to this blog for much more vital information that will come eventually. "say la vee"!

I want my Daddy's records!!!

I suppose we all have regrets in our lives. Lately, one stupid act that I commited ten years ago has been burning at my soul and haunting me something awful. Murder?, you ask. No, nothing of a criminal nature, but still heinous enough to make me cringe, throw my hands up in the air and scream at the earth.

Ten years ago, when we moved into our current residence, I went crazy and decided to donate about 65% of my vinyl record albums to one of those tax-deductible charity organizations. You know, the kind that will send out a truck to pick up your gently-used, unwanted items.

At the time, my rationale was that we would not have enough space in the basement for my records, and besides, who cares about records anymore? "Hell, I've got everything on disc, anyway" was another brilliant argument in my defence at the time.

So like a fool, I started grabbing handfuls of vinyl, with no regard or discretion for what I was getting rid of, boxed them up, and put them on the porch for the charity truck to come pick them up. Cased closed, goodnight and God Bless.

Ten years later, a lightbulb turned on: WTF was I thinking? I got rid of all my good shit! Things that will never be released on disc or any other format. Rare, import items that were in my collection for years and years, never to be seen again. Whomever (or is it whoever?) sorted through that particular "donation", got their hands on a damn good collection of  "wax". I feel like Fred Sanford in the episode of "Sanford and Son" when he donates his collection of rare "Blind Mellow Jelly" records to the library, only to regret his decision once he finds out they were actually worth a good amount of coin.

For a while, I felt like someone seeking a missing loved-one. I started hitting the thift stores, antique shops and the like, hoping to find just one of my lost babies.

I've gotten over that feeling now, I and suppose one day, perhaps something will turn up. Until that time comes, I've been building up what I call an "anti-record collection". The Salvation Army is a good place for these types of records. You will never find  rare gems at the SA: I suppose if you went there several times a week, you might get lucky and find something cool, but for the record, I have never seen even a Beatles record for sale in any thrift shop. No, what you will find in these places is the worst drek, crap that makes you wonder what kind of lunatic bought that crap in the first pace.

These are some of my recent acquisitions  from the local Salvation Army, and while yes, they might have a certain cheesy value to them: you know, maybe break them out at a party and yuck it up with your guests while you guzzle beer and snicker, they really serve no function.

Vinyl records are "in" again, perhaps due to nostalgic or aesthetic reasons, and there are a number of vinyl advocates out there, including several prominent musical artists, who claim that records have a "warmer" sound than their digital counterparts. In fact, records are still being produced, and sold, albeit at a higher cost than what they used to sell for back in the "good old days".

Those of us who are "in the know" are also hearing rumblings that music cassette tapes, are starting to creep their way back into the game, as well as VHS tapes.

Everything that is replaceable will be replaced by the things that were replaced. Wow...

You're always sucking on the gas tank before I can cap it!

Energy Vampires really do suck! Vampires? In this day and age? Oh yes, my friends, they do exist.

Not in the traditional sense. Not in the blood-sucking, sharp-fanged, Bela Lugosi sense. Nope- these suckers don't need to be back in their coffins before sunrise: these pests are available 24 hrs a day!

Oh, you know the type: the annoying "neighbor", the co-worker, etc. Hell, even a Family member.

 Just the other day, I had to visit the local hardware store to buy a bucket. I was wearing what I deem to be my raunchiest-smelling work shirt (I had just finished mowing our lawn) and I was feeling rather sweaty and "ripe". As I stood in line waiting (as usual), a woman and her daughter stood in line next to me quite close. I was aware that I had a foul stench emanating from my body, as I could smell it myself.

Did this annoying person back away, due to my aroma? No. In fact she positioned herself even closer. Perhaps there is something to be said about the female attraction to male pheromones. If this is the case,  the next time I do yard work, I should wring the sweat out of that abomination I call a shirt, and bottle the stuff. Maybe I could make enough cash to finally retire. In the end, maybe the poor yenta learned a lesson, and won't stand so close to people waiting in lines, therefore granting what every human being deserves: "personal space". Somehow, I doubt it. She's probably a closet fart-huffer, also.

Do Energy Vampires have a defining look? Not really, but once one is in your presence, you will feel the energy slowly fading from your body. Sometimes, just hearing the phone ringing can be a draining experience. Or a knock on the door. I've never read the works of Dorothy Parker, but she was spot-on with her "What fresh Hell is this?" remark.

How can one avoid Energy vampires? It's damn near impossible. Even if you lived on an uncharted island somewhere, hundreds of miles from "civilization", you can bet that eventually, some random SOB would somehow trundle upon your domain.

No, I'm afraid we are stuck with these bastards. Fresh Hell, indeed...

OH BOY!